Coming to terms with rotator cuff surgery

Sometimes I feel like I have mastered the art of living two realities simultaneously.  I know that sounds sick and dramatic.  But denial can be a very strong force.   This spring, since February 10th, I have known inside my head that something inside my shoulder tore.  I heard and felt it tear.  In case you missed it, here's what I wrote about it on February 12th.

This was such a fun weekend, but there were a few downers.  We will always remember this as the weekend that Whitney Houston died.   What a VOICE!!!!  What a sad, sad loss.  

And another downer was that I injured my shoulder on Friday.  I have had issues with my right shoulder for at least ten years, have had coritzone shots several times, have been taking Valtarin for at least 8 years for my shoulder as well as my lower back.  I've been noticing that it's been getting more painful again, especially at night, for the past six months or so.  As I worked out with the exercise video the past several weeks, I tried to be careful how much I expected of that shoulder.  

On Friday afternoon as I shopped for groceries I was thinking how good I am feeling since eating carefully on the Weight Watchers plan and getting regular exercise.  I felt stronger and  more energetic and happy about that, looking forward to the weekend.  And THEN.  I carried the groceries into the house, several plastic bags of them in each hand, and lifted them up to the counter.  And I heard and felt something tear.  So my weekend has consisted, in addition to all the fun, of keeping my arm down and close to my body, ice, heat, ibuprofen, and Icyhot.  I hate to say something so vain, but my main concern was how would I do my hair?  But I've managed to do it by lifting my arm with the help of my other hand.  I even played piano at church this morning, keeping my arm against my body.  

But I could not face knowing how bad it was or what would be necessary to make it better or how much that would cost, so I just put up with it for a couple of months.  I mentioned it as little as possible, because mostly I felt angry about it and I just didn't feel like talking about it.  And I did pray.  I would have been delighted if God would have fixed it in my sleep for free.

Finally in April I got an MRI and the devastating results.  Here's what I wrote in my April 14 post.

But a very hard thing this week was hearing the results of the MRI of my shoulder.  I have pretty much been in denial ever since I injured it, because I could not face what I was afraid was the truth.  The truth is that I have a big tear and that I will definitely need surgery, followed by six weeks in an immobilizer.  My RIGHT arm!!  I cried immediately.  I cried most of Tuesday.  He told me it did not have to be done right away, but he certainly did not want me waiting a year.  So I'm going to try to wait until August.  That way I can learn the duties of my new secretary job before Terry needs to leave, maybe I can get another DVD or two made, and I can attend all the weddings and annual family events we have in June and July.  Before I have to figure out life without a right arm.  I do have pain, but mostly it's just an ache.  I've learned what I can and can't do.  Plus I'm on Valtarin, which was prescribed for my shoulder pain when it first started causing me trouble almost ten years ago.  I've been on it ever since. 

So I continued life, hoping to be able to wait till August, and still talking about it as little as possible.  By day I was able to handle the ache quite well.  But night time was a very different story.  A lot of pain and a lot of dread.  Often I would lie there imagining the surgery.  I could picture what he showed me on the MRI - the ligament completely severed and retracted.  I would picture him pulling and pulling to put it back where it belongs and finally giving up and telling me I had waited too long and it could no longer be repaired.  There was no going back to sleep after that. 

A couple of weeks ago I was shopping for groceries one Monday evening when my cell phone rang.  It was a message from the orthopedic doctor's office reminding me that I had an appointment on Wednesday.  I did not even realize that I had made an appointment.  My first thought was,  "Oh no!  I gotta cancel that appointment.  There is no way I can tell him I'm waiting till August."  

I had another night of pain and dread.  But for some reason, when I got up Tuesday morning, I told Dick,  "I'm not going to wait until August.  I'm going to go to that appointment tomorrow, and I'm going to schedule the surgery as soon as possible."  

My friend Lois, who posts a scripture verse on FB each morning, posted these verses from Psalm 25 that day:

To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul; show me the path where I should walk, O Lord.  Point out the right road for me to follow.  Lead me by your truth and teach me...Turn to me and have mercy on me....Feel my pain and see my trouble.  Protect me!.... for I trust in You.   

I had a very good visit with the doctor.  He answered many, many questions about the surgery itself and the recovery.  The first available surgery day was Thursday June 14, and I scheduled it.  

There is no question in my mind that God did lead me to that decision.  I have not been kept awake by dread any night since!  

That does not mean I'm happy and carefree about it, however.  There are a LOT of things that could cause fear.  How much pain can I stand?  Will pain meds make me throw up? How will I do a lot of things without my right arm???  How will I sleep?  How much will it all cost?  But I can honestly say I am not consumed by fear.

Each morning the first thing I do is read the devotional in Jesus Calling, for which I have an app on my phone.  Last week there was one that particularly spoke to me.  I like to keep going back to it and to the verses that accompany it. 

The world is too much with you, My child. Your mind leaps from problem to problem to problem, tangling your thoughts in anxious knots. When you think like that, you leave Me out of your world-view and your mind becomes darkened. Though I yearn to help, I will not violate your freedom. I stand silently in the background of your mind, waiting for you to remember that I am with you.

When you turn from your problems to My Presence, your load is immediately lighter. Circumstances may not have changed, but we carry your burdens together. Your compulsion to “fix” everything gives way to deep, satisfying connection with Me. Together we can handle whatever this day brings.

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
—Isaiah 41:10

“The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.”
—Zephaniah 3:17

A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all.
—Psalm 34:19

Meanwhile, I have a LOT to accomplish in these two weeks that remain.  And now that I've crossed "de-nial"  I will probably be talking about it a bit more as my two realities are becoming one. 

Mini Memorial Day vacation

On Sunday morning we got up early to pack and load up before leaving the house at 7:30.  Our first stop was Houserville House of Hope for the 8:00 traditional service.  I was subbing at the piano.  From there we went the six miles to Fillmore so we could help with the choir song, which was moved to a later spot in the service so we could help.  And then it was back to Houserville for our regular 10:30 service.  We were just finishing up our practice with the praise team around 10:10 when I had a HUGE surprise!  Hannah Roser, one of my dear former students and my right hand girl at Grace, was standing beside the piano!!!   She and her friend Jada (both students at Goshen College in Indiana) had just spent a week at Hannah's home and were now heading on a road trip to Jada's home in Manitoba, where they will both be working this summer.  They were traveling on 322, right by State College, and Dick contacted Hannah about stopping in at church to surprise me.  SURPRISE???  It was almost surreal to suddenly see someone from my previous life suddenly standing right there in my current life, hahahaha!!  

Here we are with her - Dick and I were both wearing red for Pentecost Sunday.  Dick looked at this picture and said,  "Hempfield colors!"   (His alma mater!)

Hannah, me, and Jada.

After church we drove to Reading to pick up Destiny.  We were going to my sister Mary Ellen's for dinner, but had extra time so we went to the Park City Mall for a while.  When we came outside afterward Destiny wanted to stay a bit longer and enjoy the beauty of the fountain.  (That's Dick and Destiny at the table.)

We had a delicious light meal at Mary Ellen's, then we went to my brother Dick's place to meet their new Golden Retriever, Jasper.  

Brother Dick, husband Dick, Mary Ellen, sister-in-law Nancy.  

We spent the night at Dick's parents.  I should have taken a picture of  Dad next to his BEAUTIFUL vegetable garden.  He is living it up and loving it this summer!  So much to thank God for!  Last year at this time he was in the nursing home for rehab.

Monday morning I had a fun breakfast with my sisters Mary Ellen and Doris and my stepmother Mary.  The food was good, but having the time to talk and listen to each other was even better.

In the afternoon Dick, Destiny, and I went to Salvation Army where all clothes and shoes were 50% off for the day.  I found some of the CUTEST things for Destiny - really good brand names at unbelievable prices.  Dick found a good pair of khakis for himself. 

Then we went to Sam and Jenn's.  Sammy was having kind of a hot, grouchy, fighting-sleep kind of day.  But we were there long enough to have some fun times with him too.  Like his first taste of watermelon!  He loved it.

And his first dip in the recently-filled, rather cold pool.  He did not love it!

Here are two short videos I took of him laughing and "dancing".

Jenn grilled steaks, Sam made Jasmine rice seasoned with onions, cilantro, curry, and coconut milk (impressive!), Jenn had made a great salad, deviled eggs, and lemon bars.  It was hot on the deck (I'm sure it hit 90 yesterday), but occasionally there was a nice breeze.  

And then it was time to head for home.  Once again Sam graciously saved us time and miles by taking Destiny home to Reading.  We appreciate that so much.

And now on to a busy week in which I am already a day behind!

Funday

At Anthony and Lori's house they coined a new name for a day of the week - Funday.  Funday is actually Saturday, but named that because no one goes to work or preschool and they get to do fun things.  Well, today Austin spent Funday with us.   We weren't so sure about it when he woke us up at 6:15!  Why don't 3-year-olds think that sleeping in is fun???   So there was plenty of time for carousing on the floor.

The big plan was for Grandpa to take him to a brand new playground just a few miles from here.  It's AWESOME and has an airport theme!  They practically had it to themselves.

After that we headed to Hoss's for an early lunch.  We actually got there too early - they only open at 11.  But there are always games to be played on the iPhone!

   

"Grandmaaaaa!  You're always trying to take my picture."

Oh joy!  Big fat noodles to suck in!

And the great white shark joke to play on Grandma.

When I saw this picture that Dick had snapped, it reminded me of one taken four years ago of Sophie and me.  

They are both three years old on these pictures!

Now I'm going to tell a story on Dick.  When were walking out of Hoss's he remembered that there had been a sign in the entryway about signing up for text messages about special deals at Hoss's.  He wanted to take a better look at the sign.  Se we went back into the entryway - just a small area between the outside door and the door leading into the restaurant.  We were the only ones in there.  As we stood there reading the sign, Dick passed gas.  I exclaimed, "Oh DICK!!" and walked out.  Well, Austin could not forget that.  He kept asking,  "Why did  you say, 'Oh DICK?'"   I told him why and that that was Grandpa's name. 

He did fall asleep on the way home and took a nap for a couple of hours, but true to form (he never forgets anything while he's asleep) he proceeded to exclaim, "Oh, DICK!" constantly as he and Grandpa were playing together!!  He thought it was so funny!  It just cracked me up.  I wonder how long he'll remember that!  What a guy!

We had a really hard storm and a lot of rain and wind later this afternoon.  Dick had gone to Lowe's before it started.  I turned the TV on to be sure we weren't having any tornado warnings.  As I tried to read the ticker going across the bottom of the screen,  I must have looked concerned.  Austin kept watching my face and asked, "Why is your face like this, Grandma?"  and he scrunched up his forehead.  Hahahaha!  He doesn't miss ANYTHING!!  

Another thing he's had fun with this week is popping balloons.  This afternoon Dick showed him something else that's fun to do with balloons.  Over and over and over and over again, of course!

Lori and Anthony got here around 5:30 this evening.  They were exhausted from a very long day of travel.  Unfortunately, Austin's energy went into overdrive when they arrived!  Now I'm glad he woke up so early this morning.  Hopefully, he'll be ready to settle early for their sake!  

Tomorrow after church we'll be heading to Lancaster County for some time with family until Monday evening. We're SO thankful that Dick once again has a job with paid holidays.

Mostly Pictures, hoping to write more soon

Life is BUSY!!!  So just a few pics, which, if you are a FB friend, you have already seen.  I just don't have time to write much.  Hopefully, I will at some point.  I do have things to write about.

Anthony and Lori are celebrating their 9th wedding anniversary this week with a trip to "Austin", Texas, so "Austin" is staying here.  That was such a happy day on May 24, 2003.  Wonderful memories.

Austin declared the first evening he was here that he's going to have a square beard like Grandpa's!

Yesterday morning I had an episode of Thomas the Train on the TV.  He came out to the kitchen to show me that this is the mean face that James (one of the engines, I suppose) was making!

He's looking forward to this evening, because finally we will be staying home and he can play with Grandpa in his shed.  He just loves that shed!

Yesterday when I arrived at the Houserville church to give piano lessons, my student Sabrina wanted me to look at the big butterfly out front.  Any butterfly experts out there?  I don't think I've ever seen one like this before. 

One evening this week I was reading some old blog posts and came across one that made me just crack up laughing.  I can't believe I had the time to write about it in the midst of such hectic-ness.  I guess I did better without sleep than I do now. Here's the link to the story of My Terrible, Horrible, No-good, Very Bad Night.  Read it if you need a good laugh at someone else's dilemma!

Grandchildren, roses, and boys

Just a few pics so you know I'm alive and well.  Earlier this week I decided it was time to update our grandchildren collage for my side bar.  Here they are.  Aren't they a good-looking bunch?  

I've been thoroughly enjoying this beautiful knock-out rose bush that Sam and Jenn gave me last weekend for Mother's Day.  We planted it right out front where it will get plenty of sunshine, and it cheers me up every time I drive into the driveway.

Our pastor's 16-year-old son Wesley has been staying with us this week.  He's an easy guy - mostly he loves all things techie, he loves to EAT (he's 6'1" and growing!), and he loves to sleep, especially in the mornings.  But we've had a bit of experience with teenage boys, hahaha!   Last night he was in a concert at the high school.  There's a rock ensemble class they can take, and the entire evening was groups of kids mixed and matched from the various classes, performing covers of popular groups.  I was impressed.  There was some absolutely incredible talent.  The whole time I was wishing Anthony would be sitting beside me so I would have someone to exclaim to!   Wes is the guy on the far left. 

Next week we'll trade the sixteen-year-old for a three-year-old.  Anthony and Lori are going away for a few days and Austin will be here with us.  You know there will be pictures!

I love being a mom and a grandma

Well, there was more excitement around here than a new toaster oven this weekend, haha!  Sam, Jenn, and Sammy and Destiny came for the weekend.  Sammy is like a ball of sunshine!  I'm more in love with him than ever.  He clearly just adores me, and you know how that wins a grandma's heart!

On Friday evening Dick took Destiny to the Y to do some more rock wall climbing.

Saturday morning we hung out at the house.

Oh, sorry, Grandma, you missed my bath.

I was just getting ready to climb out!

We spent the afternoon at the Spring Lawn Fete that was held at Houserville House of Hope.

Sammy and Destiny had fun with the rhythm instruments under the big tent.

It was perfect weather for a cookout later in the day.

Jammie time.

We went to Hoss's for our Mother's Day lunch.  Anthony joined us.  Lori had already made plans to take her friend Sherrie (mother of Austin's little twin girlfriends) out for a special Mother's Day lunch at Nittany Lion Inn, so she and Austin weren't with us for lunch.  

You wanted my cute face in the picture, didn't you, Grandma?

I miss him already.  He just has the sweetest, happiest personality and he's so tremendously squeezable and kissable.  

I took a good Mother's Day nap after they left.  And then my next dose of sunshine came to visit!  That smile of Austin's is like a 100 watt light bulb!

He still loves his hulahoops.

But even more, he loves Grandpa's shed.  He was pretending it was an elevator. 

Lori had to fly to Wisconsin this evening to speak at a conference tomorrow, so Anthony and Austin hung out with us this evening.  Austin knows the way into my heart too.  When we said goodby this evening and I told him I love him, he answered, "I love you too," as he went out the door.   

I also had a loud, "HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!" from Sophie as Lisa and I talked on the phone this evening.  I said,  "Thank you, Sophie," to which I heard a loud, "YOU'RE WELCOME!!"  She sounded like she was in a crazy mood.  I think they were in the pool.  

And on another level of affection, I got a handwritten card from  Destiny that she bought at the Spring Lawn Fete yesterday.  It said,  "Thank you so much for being in my life from the minute I was born. Love, Destiny"  Wow, I can't even write that without tears. 

I LOVE BEING A MOM AND A GRANDMA!!