Coming to terms with rotator cuff surgery

Sometimes I feel like I have mastered the art of living two realities simultaneously.  I know that sounds sick and dramatic.  But denial can be a very strong force.   This spring, since February 10th, I have known inside my head that something inside my shoulder tore.  I heard and felt it tear.  In case you missed it, here's what I wrote about it on February 12th.

This was such a fun weekend, but there were a few downers.  We will always remember this as the weekend that Whitney Houston died.   What a VOICE!!!!  What a sad, sad loss.  

And another downer was that I injured my shoulder on Friday.  I have had issues with my right shoulder for at least ten years, have had coritzone shots several times, have been taking Valtarin for at least 8 years for my shoulder as well as my lower back.  I've been noticing that it's been getting more painful again, especially at night, for the past six months or so.  As I worked out with the exercise video the past several weeks, I tried to be careful how much I expected of that shoulder.  

On Friday afternoon as I shopped for groceries I was thinking how good I am feeling since eating carefully on the Weight Watchers plan and getting regular exercise.  I felt stronger and  more energetic and happy about that, looking forward to the weekend.  And THEN.  I carried the groceries into the house, several plastic bags of them in each hand, and lifted them up to the counter.  And I heard and felt something tear.  So my weekend has consisted, in addition to all the fun, of keeping my arm down and close to my body, ice, heat, ibuprofen, and Icyhot.  I hate to say something so vain, but my main concern was how would I do my hair?  But I've managed to do it by lifting my arm with the help of my other hand.  I even played piano at church this morning, keeping my arm against my body.  

But I could not face knowing how bad it was or what would be necessary to make it better or how much that would cost, so I just put up with it for a couple of months.  I mentioned it as little as possible, because mostly I felt angry about it and I just didn't feel like talking about it.  And I did pray.  I would have been delighted if God would have fixed it in my sleep for free.

Finally in April I got an MRI and the devastating results.  Here's what I wrote in my April 14 post.

But a very hard thing this week was hearing the results of the MRI of my shoulder.  I have pretty much been in denial ever since I injured it, because I could not face what I was afraid was the truth.  The truth is that I have a big tear and that I will definitely need surgery, followed by six weeks in an immobilizer.  My RIGHT arm!!  I cried immediately.  I cried most of Tuesday.  He told me it did not have to be done right away, but he certainly did not want me waiting a year.  So I'm going to try to wait until August.  That way I can learn the duties of my new secretary job before Terry needs to leave, maybe I can get another DVD or two made, and I can attend all the weddings and annual family events we have in June and July.  Before I have to figure out life without a right arm.  I do have pain, but mostly it's just an ache.  I've learned what I can and can't do.  Plus I'm on Valtarin, which was prescribed for my shoulder pain when it first started causing me trouble almost ten years ago.  I've been on it ever since. 

So I continued life, hoping to be able to wait till August, and still talking about it as little as possible.  By day I was able to handle the ache quite well.  But night time was a very different story.  A lot of pain and a lot of dread.  Often I would lie there imagining the surgery.  I could picture what he showed me on the MRI - the ligament completely severed and retracted.  I would picture him pulling and pulling to put it back where it belongs and finally giving up and telling me I had waited too long and it could no longer be repaired.  There was no going back to sleep after that. 

A couple of weeks ago I was shopping for groceries one Monday evening when my cell phone rang.  It was a message from the orthopedic doctor's office reminding me that I had an appointment on Wednesday.  I did not even realize that I had made an appointment.  My first thought was,  "Oh no!  I gotta cancel that appointment.  There is no way I can tell him I'm waiting till August."  

I had another night of pain and dread.  But for some reason, when I got up Tuesday morning, I told Dick,  "I'm not going to wait until August.  I'm going to go to that appointment tomorrow, and I'm going to schedule the surgery as soon as possible."  

My friend Lois, who posts a scripture verse on FB each morning, posted these verses from Psalm 25 that day:

To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul; show me the path where I should walk, O Lord.  Point out the right road for me to follow.  Lead me by your truth and teach me...Turn to me and have mercy on me....Feel my pain and see my trouble.  Protect me!.... for I trust in You.   

I had a very good visit with the doctor.  He answered many, many questions about the surgery itself and the recovery.  The first available surgery day was Thursday June 14, and I scheduled it.  

There is no question in my mind that God did lead me to that decision.  I have not been kept awake by dread any night since!  

That does not mean I'm happy and carefree about it, however.  There are a LOT of things that could cause fear.  How much pain can I stand?  Will pain meds make me throw up? How will I do a lot of things without my right arm???  How will I sleep?  How much will it all cost?  But I can honestly say I am not consumed by fear.

Each morning the first thing I do is read the devotional in Jesus Calling, for which I have an app on my phone.  Last week there was one that particularly spoke to me.  I like to keep going back to it and to the verses that accompany it. 

The world is too much with you, My child. Your mind leaps from problem to problem to problem, tangling your thoughts in anxious knots. When you think like that, you leave Me out of your world-view and your mind becomes darkened. Though I yearn to help, I will not violate your freedom. I stand silently in the background of your mind, waiting for you to remember that I am with you.

When you turn from your problems to My Presence, your load is immediately lighter. Circumstances may not have changed, but we carry your burdens together. Your compulsion to “fix” everything gives way to deep, satisfying connection with Me. Together we can handle whatever this day brings.

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
—Isaiah 41:10

“The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.”
—Zephaniah 3:17

A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all.
—Psalm 34:19

Meanwhile, I have a LOT to accomplish in these two weeks that remain.  And now that I've crossed "de-nial"  I will probably be talking about it a bit more as my two realities are becoming one.