My fractured soul

I know I need to write something here, but it's hard to know what to say out of my fractured soul in such a public forum as this blog.

As I plug along through all the things I need to accomplish before Monday, my tears are flowing freely and God and I are having an ongoing conversation. There are many things tearing at my heart, but hearing the news from the oncologist yesterday that my dad's bone scan showed cancer in many of his bones has just undone me. On the way home from the doctor visit my dad said he was hoping he'd be able to get well enough to preach one more time. I asked him what sermon would he preach. He said, "The Wonder of It All." I said, "I remember that sermon. It's the one you preached the last time you were at my church a number of years ago." He said, "I can never stop being amazed at the grace of God."

That is so my dad. He is so in love with the Lord and has been for as long as I can remember. He said last week after his bone scan that as he lay there he just prayed and meditated to get through it. Yesterday he said that he spends most of his time in his bed, because that's where he's most comfortable. We wondered if he'd like a TV in his bedroom. He said he didn't think so - he still enjoys reading and he said he meditates on the Word while he lies there.

I am so challenged by that! Is there any better reason to memorize scripture? What will my thoughts be filled with when all I can do is lie in my bed? Will I have enough of the Word in my heart to fill my mind with it?

The oncologist gave us the go-ahead to get Hospice involved with his care at home to give my precious step mother the help she needs. So tomorrow morning we will be having a meeting with a person from Hospice.

And then there's Destiny. This move is very, very hard for her. Even though we plan to be with her every other weekend, she is so terribly sad. And my heart is just being ripped to pieces.

I feel like I'm at a point in my life where I'm literally needing to put my hands up in complete surrender. I know I have dreadful control issues. I like to be in control of everything I do, plus I like to help the struggling ones by being in control of their problems too. And sometimes (often) I have trouble believing that God can do as good a job of it as I can. How's that for true confession?

All that to say that this last year has put me in a position where I don't feel like I'm in control of anything, and I'm hanging on to God for dear life. It feels horrible, it feels scary, it feels okay.....sometimes. And maybe very occasionally it feels a little bit exciting. Because I know He likes getting me to the point where I need Him so desperately. And I know from Psalm 62:11 & 12 that He is strong and He is loving - two good reasons I can trust Him. Psalm 138: 8 tells me that He will fulfill His purpose for me, and I claim that for all the ones on my heart. Those are just a few of the scriptures that I have been writing all over the place (even on toilet paper!) and putting them at places where I see them throughout the day. Maybe I AM starting to gather my meditations for that future day.

On a much happier note, Dick is doing tremendously well at his job and is making a quite an impression on the management there. It must be a breath of fresh air for them to have an employee with the experience he has, plus the work ethic and attitude he has. Go, Dick!

And please don't think that I'm not remembering that next week at this time I'll be living in the same house as, and caring for, the most precious grandson in the world. I know he will be a good healer for me.